How do you take care of someone you don’t like?

Imagine you were a caregiver for someone you don’t like… someone who disgusts you. Would you do a good job making sure they ate foods that nourish their bodies? Would you purposely go out of your way to plan meals, grocery shop, prepare, cook, and serve them in a way to maximize enjoyment? Would you make sure they drank enough water? Exercised? Slept well? Felt mentally and emotionally secure? Probably not, right? What happens when that person you don’t like is you? 

If this hits you hard, you are definitely not alone. I didn’t like me for years, so I didn’t give myself what I needed and certainly not what I deserved. If your inner dialog is anything close to what mine had been before I started practicing mindfulness, it probably sounds extremely negative, like the way you would talk to an enemy. In fact, many people I have spoken with about their internal dialog admit they speak more harshly to themselves than they would dare speak to someone else.

Negative self-talk was my norm. However, I often didn’t realize I was doing it. Also, it felt like the way I talked to myself was appropriate for someone who “should” be trying to lose weight and be strict about food choices. It was like constant background music playing on low. “You don’t get to eat that, it’s not on your diet. You can’t possibly want more food, what is wrong with you? I knew you couldn’t stick to the diet plan. Why can’t you stop feeding your face?!” None of those thoughts were productive. It certainly did not lead to me eating less or losing weight. It made me feel even worse about myself, so I would end up reaching for food… “Why not eat more, you’re not going to figure this out anyway”.

One of the most important steps I took was to intentionally listen to the thoughts in my own mind and hear what I was telling myself. It was hard to admit to myself how awful I treated myself. This increased awareness was shocking! Was I really this mean?! I realized the negative thoughts were not coming from my true self. They were programmed in my brain by my surroundings… by listening to people around me who were dieting or displeased with their own bodies, people on TV talking like that, a response to fat jokes, etc. Over time I learned to recognize those thoughts and turn the volume down. Then I started to replace them with thoughts of gratitude. It was easier for me than jumping right into thinking positive thoughts about myself. I could always find something to be grateful for, especially basics like my friends and family, food, water, shelter, my comfy bed, my books, etc. This practice led to an increased feeling of overall wellness and paved the way for positive thinking. I get it. Thinking positive thoughts about yourself may seem like an impossibility. However, with practice, I believe you can do it, too.